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Is He A Keeper? Relationship Expert Provides A Helpful Quiz That Lets You Know If He Is The One

Is He A Keeper Relationship Expert Provides A Helpful Quiz That Lets You Know If He Is The One

Was your New Year's resolution to stop pursuing relationships that go absolutely nowhere and find one that lasts and makes you happy?

If it was, you're in luck!

This simple test will help you predict your chance of long-term success with any person you think might be worth taking seriously.

Looking objectively at qualities you want from a potential life partner isn't taking the romance out of it, it's making sure you choose someone who is going to make you happy not miserable.

Think of the test like a CV for a job.

Would you employ a PA who couldn't use a computer? Hire a nurse who didn't know how to change a bandage?

Why shouldn't you take an objective look at someone you want by your side for the rest of your life?

Sure, some of the things on the list aren't the person's fault (his family, for instance) but they still influence your chance of a bright future.

There will be and are always exceptions, so trust your gut instincts.

But if you want to avoid time-wasters and relationships that end in disaster or tears, doing this simple test each time you meet someone you think has potential makes sense.

(I've addressed the questions to straight women but it works equally well for any gender and sexual orientation.)

Here goes:

OBVIOUS CHARACTERISTICS THAT SHOULD BE A GIVEN

Does he have a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at himself?

Is he kind, considerate, respectful, has acceptable social skills and is generous?

Violent men, men with substance addiction or men who are already attached are no goes. Anyone who doesn't treat you well or make you the number one priority in his life also doesn't make the cut.

These are the basics.

Once he's through this bit, move on.

THE QUESTIONS

Score one point for each of the following you answer 'yes' to.

There's a total of 14 questions. Be honest with your answers and see what's there, not what you want to see.

1. Does he get on well with his mother?

A psychotherapist friend of mine would argue that this is all you really need to know.

If he respects and loves his mother, and they have a relaxed, happy, affectionate relationship, he's very likely to treat all the women in his life well.

She was the first woman in his life and how he relates to her sets the benchmark for you.

They need to be close but not too close.

If he hasn't cut the apron strings, move right along. The man who checks with his mother before making all decisions is at her beck and call and has a pretty obvious adoration/pathological hatred thing going on, is to be avoided at all costs.

Don't be lulled into a false sense of security if she lives far away: the most dependent children in the world often live the other side of the world from their parents. Physical distance means little.

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

2. Are his parents together and happy?

I feel unfair including this, given a hell of a lot of us are the offspring of divorced parents (including me) and it's hardly our fault.

But the saying is true: They really do f*** you up, your Mum and Dad.

A man who comes from a stable background with Mum and Dad still married and enjoying life together has been given a blueprint.

He's seen how long-term relationships work, that there's give and take and mistakes made that are forgiven.

Don't write him off, obviously, if his parents are divorced. Just add this into the mix.

Strong relationships with siblings who are in healthy relationships can have the same effect; ditto very close friends.

A red flag is men whose parents divorce was nasty and bitter, forcing the children to choose and leaving them traumatized and wary of intimacy.

If he was the victim of an acrimonious split, has he done some therapy or work on himself to deal with the fallout? Or is he still carrying all that hurt and anger around?

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

3. Does he have a few serious, long-term relationships under his belt?

If he's 45 and never had a long-term relationship, you have to ask yourself why.

And ask him why.

If it's because he's ambitious and career driven, be aware you're hooking up with a man who is unlikely to have a lot of free time and will prioritize his job over you.

If it's because he hasn't met 'The One', the qualities his 'One' must have are totally unrealistic.

If his relationships never quite get started and he's always being dumped, there's some kind of unattractive behavior pattern that's causing this.

Fear of intimacy? Sabotaging when people get close? Being too clingy? Sexist? Racist? Selfish and refusing to bend and mold into a relationship? A money-pincher? A snob? Mummy's boy?

Within three months, I swear you will have your answer.

If you're looking for a safe bet, though, go for the man who's house trained: one who's been in a relationship learned how to function as two and knows how a vacuum cleaner works.

Relationship skills are achieved through practice. If he hasn't had any, he's unskilled.

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

4. Does he blame all his exes for his break-ups?

'What can I say? I've dated nutters,' one ex of mine told me when I asked why his previous relationships hadn't worked out.

The first red flag.

Even if that was the case, it means his choices aren't great. But when is this ever true?

The man who blames all his break-ups on his exes doesn't take responsibility for his part in the break-up and, believe me, we all play a part in the breakdown of a relationship.

It's rude, it means he's never analyzed his own behavior and clearly sees himself as faultless.

If he's badmouthing his ex to you, he'll be badmouthing you to the next one.

Yes: 0 points

No: 1 point

5. Are his friends a mix of old and new and like him a lot?

If he only mixes with old school friends he's known forever, it often means he's stuck in the past. He liked that version of himself and doesn't want to move on.

Not only does this show inflexibility, it's often a sign of immaturity and not wanting to grow up and behave like an adult.

A good mix of old and new means he was likable then and he's still likable now.

Do his friends speak highly of him? If they're lukewarm, sit up and pay attention. Be on high alert the first few times you meet them. If he does have flaws, they'll often warn you in a jokey fashion.

'I hope you like a drink as much as he does!' means you're about to hook up with an alcoholic.

Does he have female friends or get on well with the female half of a couple friends? Does he like women generally? All are crucial clues.

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

6. Is he financially stable?

Stability matters more than if he's rich or low-income.

The richest men the world go under if their spending habits are out of control and they haven't a clue how to manage money sensibly.

Is he always splashing out on expensive restaurants or buying gifts and holidays that seem way out of his price range given his job and expected income? Does he live within his means or is he crippled by credit card debt?

Financial problems and incompatible spending styles are just as likely to destroy a relationship as infidelity.

Speaking of which, find out…

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

7. Has he cheated in the past?

It's unlikely he's going to offer up this information freely at the start, but you can do a bit of digging around and watch for any shifty body language.

If he does admit to cheating or affairs, find out why. Could you understand why? How many times has it happened?

If he's a serial cheater, only go there if you don't mind being cheated on. (Really?)

Yes: 0 points

No: 1 point

8. Does he have achievements that are complete?

Half-finished university degrees or courses. Careers that are embarked on enthusiastically then dropped after a few weeks or a month. Travel plans made then scrapped at the last minute.

The ability to see things through is an important skill for life and relationships.

Who wants a partner who's flaky and unreliable?

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

9. Is he OK at communicating?

Note I said 'OK' not 'great' – communication is a skill that women tend to excel in rather than men.

But if he's over the age of 25, he should at least be able to identify and express his emotions, be able to accept criticism and resolve arguments and be able to talk things through.

If you can't talk to each other about things that matter, you haven't one iota of hope of making it long-term.

Mr. Tall, Dark, and Moody has his appeal but if it's a husband you're after, rather than a hot fling, what comes out of his mouth is more important than how kissable those lips are.

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

10. Does he feel about sex the way you feel about sex?

Our natural libido is temporarily lifted at the start of relationships.

But you can instinctively get an idea of how important sex is to someone quite early on: the question is, do you feel the same way?

It's not just matching sex drives. I know lots of people who rate sex very highly in their relationships but don't have it frequently. It's how you prioritize it in your life.

Some people love sex, some people are lukewarm about it and some people really don't rate it at all.

If you can't tell, ask some questions so you know the answer. Being sexually compatible is hugely important.

How's their technique, by the way, while we're on the topic? When lust wears off, good technique is what will keep you both satisfied and happy long-term.

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

11. Does he want what you want from life?

It takes more than great sex and compatible personalities to move happily through life: you must have similar life goals as well.

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GET YOURSELF INTO TIP-TOP DATING SHAPE BEFORE YOU START LOOKING

Sort out any issues you have before you look for a relationship.

Look at your last few serious relationships and see if there are any relationship patterns you need to sort out.

Be realistic. Have an honest idea of your own attractiveness and what you bring to the table and aim for your equivalent. If you're a three and refusing to date anyone but 10's, you're going to be waiting a long time. It's great to have high self-esteem but stay grounded in reality.

Be interested in people who are interested in you.

Give them priority. Chasing after half-interested guys who are clearly playing loads of women along simultaneously is depressing and pointless.

Don't stick to a type.

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If you've been single forever and only ever dated one type of guy, it's clearly not working for you!!!

If you dream of owning a home around the corner from your parents and they see themselves permanently roaming the planet with nothing but a backpack, things are not going to go well, are they?

Most of the time, these things come up naturally over time but don't be scared to have the 'where do you see yourself in the future' conversation if you suspect you have totally different wants and aspirations.

12. Do you both want or not want children?

Many a couple have known one wants kids, the other doesn't but still push ahead, thinking the other person will change their mind.

Sometimes, people do – especially if you're young when you got together.

But often, people don't.

If you're 38 with a biological clock ticking like a bomb and plan on dating a man of 45 who has no interest in children because you think once he falls in love with you, he'll change his mind, you're playing relationship Russian Roulette.

One of my most beautiful, loveable, funniest friends bet the wrong way on a great guy who told her right from the start that he didn't want to bring up her three young, gorgeous children.

He tried, she tried and after five years they are admitting defeat.

'He was straight up, right from the start, but it still hurts that I couldn't change his mind,' she says, devastated by it all.

Love, sadly, doesn't fix everything and knowing emphatically that you want or don't want children in your life is one of those things that tends to be impervious to even grand passion.

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

13. Do you like each other's family?

Arguments over family are up there with money, sex, and housework.

Ideally, you would love his family and they love you; he would love yours and they love him.

In real life, there are usually some personality clashes and that's normal.

But if you're dreading that second visit, bristling at the thought of seeing his combative mother and downtrodden dad, this does not augur well for the future.

Even if you don't like each other's nearest and dearest, you need to be able to respect them and play nicely for your relationship to sail on smooth seas.

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

14. Do you have chemistry?

I've left this until last because I wanted you to pay attention to all the other points before addressing this one.

There's a very simple way to tell if you've got chemistry with your partner: if you have to think too hard about it, you haven't.

Chemistry isn't just about finding someone sexually attractive.

Lust is wanting to take someone to bed and not emerge for six days. Chemistry is wanting to talk to them non-stop for the following six, while you continue the sexfest.

Chemistry is feeling really comfortable around someone, even when you've first met. You're kindred spirits.

It's wanting to be near them and to touch them – being attracted physically and emotionally.

It means you like as well as love them (and believe me, I've seen many women profess love for a partner they actually despise).

If you have a strong, overriding feeling of 'This feels right', it generally is.

But, it's still not the only factor to consider: if you have chemistry and nothing else to go with it, you still won't get very far.

But if you have chemistry AND a semi-decent score on the test, this is about as green a green light as you can get.

Yes: 1 point

No: 0 points

BONUS POINTS

So that's the basics. Now, you need to personalize your score by adding bonus points which are unique to you.

Come up with five things that make this person perfect for YOU and score half a point for each.

They need to be personal to you because not everything applies to everyone.

'Loves dogs' might be a drawcard for you but clearly isn't for someone who's scared of them, for instance.

These are some examples of the sort of things you might write down:

*Tall

*Interesting nationality

*Age appropriate

*Interesting career

*Has a car

*Works out

*Cooks

*Loves a glass of wine

*Looks after himself – not still eating lasagne for lunch and pasties for dinner etc

*THE FINAL SCORE

Add up your score from the first 14 questions and half a point for any bonus points you come up with (with a maximum of five).

The maximum score you can get is 16.5.

If you're still in the very early, massively besotted stage and score this, deduct a few points automatically. I'm serious! Our judgment is heavily skewed in the first three months. It's only after the love and sex hormones stop releasing that you see each other clearly.

For everyone else, I'd suggest you only pursue those who get a score of 10 or over. Also look hard and long at the points that you answered 'no' on. How important are those things to you?

If you want to be tough, only continue seeing partners who score 12 or over. Especially, if you're guilty of seeing the nice side of people and glossing over faults.

Good judgment is what you need for a great relationship, not good luck!

Source: dailymail.co.uk/tracycox.com

Date Posted: Wednesday, January 9th, 2019 , Total Page Views: 530

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